Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You Might Also Like
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I enjoy a good short stor
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.