You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You Might Also Like
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?