I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
She was REALLY feeling it.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell