There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
bought wrong eggs
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish