People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for