He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I can’t stop watching this.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.