Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.