Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker