Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
what could possibly go wrong?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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5
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.