[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*