me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers