Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!