[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.