the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
You Might Also Like
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem