Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
You Might Also Like
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.