Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here