Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
this FaceApp is creepy af
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.