monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm