I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Worst bar ever.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code