Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.