Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.