Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
You Might Also Like
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.