Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
You Might Also Like
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
This could be us but you eatin’
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Probably my best painting.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it