Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.