Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
you will never know the true number of layers
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]