Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.