In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I think this cat is broken
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no