*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
The prophecy is fulfilled
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion