wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’