my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.