Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone