‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night