Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob