Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.