The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Customer is always right
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that