Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Super Hand Dog Face
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Finally, a door that understands me
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping