Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.