Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.