Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.