“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I’m not wrong
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
TODAY
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller