I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.