I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
When I said I liked it rough.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd