Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You Might Also Like
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.