Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
This why you should mind your business
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?