*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
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Krampus.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
According to math, I’m broke
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.