Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
im 7 sauces long
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food