Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off