My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
What a website
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah