Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?