Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head